


The Fear of Being Known

by infernalstars



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: ADHD Andrew Minyard, ADHD Episode, Autism, Autism diagnosis, Autistic Neil Josten, Demiromantic, Demisexual Neil Josten, M/M, Trans Andrew Minyard, agender neil josten, andrew has arthritis, aroace, demisexual, neil uses all pronouns, theres a lot in this fic im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27249442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: Bee suggests that Neil might be autistic. He doesn't handle it well, but Andrew's there to help.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 172





	The Fear of Being Known

**Author's Note:**

> okay so, theres a lot going on in this one...i really packed it all in. 
> 
> so neil is agender and uses he/they/she pronouns. neil is also aroace (bc i'm projecting ofc). he is also autistic which is the main focus here. i however am not autistic so if there are any inaccuracies or nasty lil stereotypes please know it was not intentional and i'd be happy to fix it. 
> 
> next, andrew had adhd and arthritis and is trans. i do have adhd and i wrote mainly from my own experiences with that part. the arthritis bit however was based on my limited research that i did so if theres any inaccuracies feel free to let me know and i can fix them. 
> 
> anyway, i love this fic and i hope you enjoy.

“Autism,” Neil echoed, staring at Bee. 

Bee studies him for a moment. “That’s what I suspect. Abby does too, that’s why you’re here. I wanted to talk to you about getting a proper diagnosis--” 

Neil stood up suddenly. “I’m leaving.” 

Bee looked a bit startled but accepted this. “Okay.” 

Neil turned and left. Andrew sat in the waiting room and looked up surprised when Neil burst out of the office looking upset. He slipped his phone into his pocket, studying him.

“We’re leaving.” 

He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. He got up, gritting his teeth a bit. As much as his medication did help, Kevin had been pushing them hard at practices. It was taking its toll on Andrew who, despite not showing much care for exy, wouldn’t surrender and sit out. 

Neil hated when he pushed himself so far. He knew that just getting up some mornings was horribly painful for him. But the practices didn’t help at all. 

Bee came out of the office. “Andrew,” she called out. “Can I speak to you?” 

Andrew glanced at Neil and nodded. He handed Neil his keys and followed Bee into her office. Neil sat down, playing with the squishy fox that Andrew had attached to the key ring. Just for him, Neil thought as he watched it return to it’s full size. 

She looked up toward Bee’s closed door and frowned. 

How could he have autism? How could she even suggest that? 

Andrew emerged moments later, holding his hands out for the keys. Neil set them in his hands and followed him out. He was curious if they had been talking about her.

“What’d she say?” 

“That’s private, Neil,” he said as he climbed into the car.

“Was it about me?” she asked despite what Andrew said. 

“Neil, if it was something I thought was important I would tell you, wouldn’t I?” 

He sounded patient, but his words felt tired. He was probably exhausted from classes and practice today. Neil considered this for a moment and nodded. Andrew was right. He would tell them. Neil crossed his arms, looking out the window as Andrew drove them back to the dorms. 

“She said I’m autistic,” Neil said quietly. 

“Did she?” 

Neil nods. He studied him for a moment. “You aren’t surprised?” 

Andrew shrugged. “Bee told me her concerns.” 

Neil played with the end of their shirt. “What do you think?” 

Andrew shrugs. “I think that she knows that she's talking about.” 

Neil turned to face Andrew. “So you think I’m autistic.” 

Andrew was silent, studying him as they approached the dorms. His eyes flickered between her and the road. “You do know that it’s not a bad thing, don’t you?” he decided to ask.

“Then why does it feel so bad? Why does it scare me?” she asked, getting worked up now. 

Andrew pulled into the parking lot outside their dorms. He looked over at Neil fully now. 

“Because you’re scared of therapists and if you were to be autistic....it just makes you even more real, doesn’t it?” Andrew asked, looking over at them. “Yes or no?” 

“Yes,” Neil says, feeling Andrew’s hand come up on the back of their neck. He relaxed slightly, it was grounding. 

Neil thought about it for a moment and then nodded. “I don’t...I don’t want to be--” 

“Okay, but if you are, there’s nothing wrong with it. Do you understand me?” Andrew said firmly. His tone was harsher than he meant it to be. He exhaled slowly, then tried again in a more patient tone: “I need you to understand this.” 

Neil closed his mouth and nodded. 

“Good. Good,” he said softly, reaching over to unbuckle Neil’s seatbelt. His hand left the back of Neil’s neck and Neil hated it’s absence. “Come on.” 

Andrew climbs out of the car and Neil follows. Going up four flights of stairs is a bitch, but there's no elevator. Andrew’s too stubborn to accept a spare room on the first floor where the soccer team lives. 

Neil hates it. 

It makes him wonder if Andrew actually does like his teammates. If he tolerates them all enough that he wants to live with them. Or maybe, he’s living in denial of the arthritis the same way Neil is in denial about being autistic. 

Neil opens up the door for him, letting him into their common area. Andrew’s eyes scan the room for the closest chair, Neil sees it. He wants to help him but knows Andrew will ask if he needs it. 

Andrew sits down at the table in the kitchen, exhaling slowly. 

Neil watches him. “Do you need anything?” 

Andrew looks up at him. “Come here,” he says, eyes flickering to the seat next to him. 

Neil sits down. “Bad day?” 

“Do you mean physically or mentally?” he asks, setting his keys on the table in front of Neil. 

Neil reaches for the toy without thinking about it. He squeezes it once, then looks at Andrew. “Yes.” 

“Physically.” 

Neil nods. “You should talk to Abby, at least, if the medicine isn’t helping.” 

Andrew shrugs, looking down at his hands on the table. Neil can’t begin to imagine how bad it hurts. He can only manage half a game of Exy and even that’s pushing it. 

“Bee thinks I should start medication for my ADHD...I’m sick of taking so much medication. I can’t--” he stops himself. “I don’t like how they make me feel.” 

Neil nods. “You don’t have to take anything you don’t want.” 

Andrew nods. “I’m going to go lay down. I think you should talk to Renee about what Bee said.” 

“Renee?” he echoes. 

Andrew nods, kissing Neil’s cheek. “She’s better with these things than I am.” 

Neil raises an eyebrow completely confused as Andrew disappears into their door. Neil fidgets with the fox toy in their hands and frowns. 

Better with these things...What the fuck did that mean? He could feel himself getting worked up. Why couldn’t Andrew just explain himself? 

He huffed in annoyance and knocked on the girls room. A moment later, Dan opened the door. 

“Is Renee here?” he asks, reaching up to tug on his hair. 

“Hey, are you--” 

“Is she here,” Neil repeats, a bit louder this time. 

“Uh, yeah, do you want to come in?” 

Neil nods, stepping in as Dan moved aside. 

The girls dorm was much nicer than his room or Matt’s. There were pretty lights strung up around the room, pictures of the team hung up on the wall and a dry erase calendar near their desks. 

Renee tugged out her headphones, looking over at Neil from her spot at her desk. 

“Hey,” she said softly, gently. 

Neil hesitated, glancing at Dan. He lowered his eyes to the carpet. “Bee thinks I’m autistic.” 

The silence is enough to send him over the edge. He shoves a hand in his mouth, gnawing on the finger. He hated every bit of this. He hated how the words sounded coming out of their mouth, how no one commented. 

She wanted someone to say something, someone to tell him it was okay.

“Hey, hey,” Renee says, stepping forward, but still giving him space. “I have playdough, do you want to--” 

He’s nodding, tears in his eyes. Anything. Something. 

He doesn’t even question why she had playdough. They just accept it, taking it into his hands and sitting down right where he is. 

“Where’s Andrew?” Dan asks. 

“Don’t bother him.” 

Dan froze, half turned to the door to go get Andrew. 

“What about Matt?” Renee asks, kneeling a few feet away from them. “Matt’s good at talking you down?”

Neil hesitated. Already, too many people knew about Bee’s suspicions. He shook his head no, twisting the playdough into a worm shape. Renee let him, just sitting in silence with him. 

“Neil,” she said softly after a few minutes. “Can you try and tell me what’s going on?”

“You know how Bee wanted to talk to me? She told me she thinks I’m autistic. But I’m not! Andrew didn’t disagree, but I know I’m not stupid, I’m not--” 

He clenches his hand instead of flapping it around like his mom taught him. 

“No one said you were stupid,” Renee says, firm and gentle. 

Neil shook his head. His dad did. A few times. He flinched at the memory. He reaches up to play with his hair. 

“You’re still you. And we still love you. It doesn’t make you any different.” 

Neil frowns. He’s unconvinced. This changes everything.

-

Andrew stared at his textbook before slamming it shut, starling Neil across the room. He lowered his head to the table, wanting his brain to desperately shut up. 

He covers his eyes; the lights are too bright. The urge to shove everything off the desk overwhelms him. His heart beats fast in his chest, everything is just suddenly all too much. He’d like it very much if everything stopped. 

“‘Drew?” Neil asks across the room. 

Andrew raised his head slowly, not wanting to have a whole episode now (though it was probably too late). He looked over at him, watching as Neil walked over and handed him his keys. 

He played with the keys, dragging his nail over the grooves. He didn’t know how long he sat there with Neil leaning against the desk next to him. 

Disassociation, Bee called it. Brain being a dick, Andrew called it. 

When he finally manages to come back down, Neil is sitting up on the desk, swinging his legs back and forth. He’s watching Andrew patiently. 

“I’m not going to get any work done today,” he said quietly, handing the key ring back to Neil. 

Neil nods, he starts reaching forward. “Can I touch your hair?”

Andrew nods, his whole body relaxes the moment Neil combs a hand through his hair. He closes his eyes. It feels good. He hates how soft a moment it is. 

“‘Drew?” 

“Hm?”

“When did you know you had ADHD?”

“I got diagnosed in high school...Nicky noticed it.”

“How did you react?” Neil asked. 

Andrew opened his eyes, looking up at Neil. This was about his consultation in a few days. Bee had set up an appointment with a doctor to assess if Neil had autism. 

“I got upset because I wasn’t quite out yet so they kept saying things like ‘ADHD in girls’, ‘well for girls’ and all that fun stuff. I was really just upset about that. I kind of already figured out I had ADHD so it wasn’t new…” Andrew said simply. 

“You knew?” 

Andrew nodded. “I read about it once and looked into it more. Took a psych class in high school.”

Neil nods. 

“I think my dad knew when I was younger. He called...he said I was a…” Neil shook his head, unable to say it. 

Andrew reached up to his hand that was tangled in his hair. “You don’t need to say it.” 

Neil let out the faintest whimper and nods.

Being real, being fully himself, was hard for Neil. Andrew knew that. Labeling his sexuality was a complicated thing. It took weeks of discussion and internet surfing to discover something Neil would be comfortable with if strangers asked. 

Aroace. 

Well, demiromantic and demisexual, but that was complicated to say and explain. Aroace was more concise and since they were both umbrella terms, it worked. 

Being agender was another complex piece of Neil. A piece that made Neil even more real. Now this. 

One that appeared to bring bouts of trauma to the surface. 

And it broke Andrew’s heart to see them in such distress. 

“Neil?” Andrew said quietly, a soft voice reserved only for Neil.

“Hm?”

“We’ll get through this.”

She nods. He glances at Andrews lap and points to Andrew then himself.

Oh, they were upset. 

“Sit in my lap?” Andrew tries to clarify. A nod in return. “Sure.”

Neil sits down, wrapping each limb around Andrew. They don’t stop moving until his face is hidden in Andrew’s neck. Andrew just holds on.

“Can you talk?” Andrew asks.

A shake of his head: no.

“Okay. Take your time.”

Patience was hard when your brain moved at a million miles an hour. Andrew could wait forever for Neil, though. Just wanted to help him. 

He gently put his hand on the back of his neck, trying to help calm him down. 

“You’re upset and…” Neil shakes his head a little, the words hard. Andrew feels him tense up. “I want to. To help. But me too. I’m upset too. I’m sorry.”

Andrew shook his head. “It’s okay, you’re alright, bunny.”

It was a new thing. It calmed Neil down a lot. The tension left his body. Not all of it, but a lot of it. 

“Neil?”

“Hm?”

“You don’t have to do this alone.” 

His version of I love you. The words that still got caught in his throat when he thought of them. The words he felt so deeply because he did love Neil, more than anything. 

He didn’t think he’d be able to say it. 

Neil nods. “Thank you.”

His version of I love you too.


End file.
